Practical steps for vānaprastha life

The Vānaprastha Adventure, Installment 17

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As we know, kings and sages in previous ages used to go to the forest and dramatically detach themselves, living a life of severe austerity.¹ We’re not going to do that, because it’s no longer possible or advisable.² But there are things we can do. Some of them involve some risk. We say, “Now I’m going to depend more on Kṛṣṇa and less on material security.” That requires confidence and conviction. It requires courage. But there are also things we can do that don’t require any risk at all—and may even reduce the risks we already have.

No-risk items

Let’s look at those no-risk items first. I’ve put them into the form of directions, of things to do. The list starts with mental items—changes to our way of thinking—and moves on to outward steps to take.

Put aside your image of yourself as a gṛhastha

A gṛhastha is not what you are anymore (or at least no longer what you want to be).

Develop philosophically supported detachment from children, grandchildren, relatives, and so on

Among the eighteen items for the gradual cultivation of knowledge listed by Lord Kṛṣṇa in the Bhagavad-gītā (13.8‒12), one is anabhiṣvaṅgaḥ putra-dāra-gṛhādiṣu, “detachment from children, wife, home, and so on.” In a purport to Śrī Iśopaniṣad (mantra 10) Śrīla Prabhupāda gives this paraphrase: “One should not be more attached to wife, children and home than the revealed scriptures ordain.” Śrīla Prabhupāda says in his Gītā purport that wife, children, and home “are natural objects of affection.” Then he adds, “But when they are not favorable to spiritual progress, then one should not be attached to them.” Family life can be favorable, however, and Śrīla Prabhupāda next tells how to have a happy, spiritually progressive Kṛṣṇa conscious life at home. And he says, “If one can mold his family life in this way to develop Kṛṣṇa consciousness, . . . then there is no need to change from family life to renounced life.”

For householders these are valuable instructions. But when a man is older the revealed scriptures ordain that he should develop detachment from wife, children, and home and retire from family life. At that time, one can remember these instructions given by Prahlāda Mahārāja to his young friends:³

kim u vyavahitāpatya-
dārāgāra-dhanādayaḥ
rājya-kośa-gajāmātya-
bhṛtyāptā mamatāspadāḥ

“Since the body itself is ultimately meant to become stool or earth, what is the meaning of the paraphernalia related to the body, such as wives, residences, wealth, children, relatives, servants, friends, kingdoms, treasuries, animals, and ministers? They are also temporary. What more can be said about this?”

kim etair ātmanas tucchaiḥ
saha dehena naśvaraiḥ
anarthair artha-saṅkāśair
nityānanda-rasodadheḥ

“All this paraphernalia is very near and dear as long as the body exists, but as soon as the body is destroyed, all things related to the body are also finished. Therefore, actually one has nothing to do with them, but because of ignorance one accepts them as valuable. Compared to the ocean of eternal happiness, they are most insignificant. What is the use of such insignificant relationships for the eternal living being?”

Change your focus: from ninety percent family to ninety percent Kṛṣṇa consciousness⁴

Of course, “ninety percent” is an arbitrary number. But the idea is plain. As gṛhasthas we give so much of our attention to family affairs that direct activities of Kṛṣṇa consciousness may tend to recede into the background. Now is the time to reverse matters, so that Kṛṣṇa consciousness comes to the fore and we become increasingly detached from family life. In this way we can quickly advance.

As the residents of Jambūdvīpa prayed to Lord Nṛsiṁhadeva:⁵

māgāra-dārātmaja-vitta-bandhuṣu
saṅgo yadi syād bhagavat-priyeṣu naḥ
yaḥ prāṇa-vṛttyā parituṣṭa ātmavān
siddhyaty adūrān na tathendriya-priyaḥ

“My dear Lord, we pray that we may never feel attraction for the prison of family life, consisting of home, wife, children, friends, bank balance, relatives, and so on. If we do have some attachment, let it be for devotees, whose only dear friend is Kṛṣṇa. A person who is actually self-realized and who has controlled his mind is perfectly satisfied with the bare necessities of life. He does not try to gratify his senses. Such a person quickly advances in Kṛṣṇa consciousness, whereas others, who are too attached to material things, find advancement very difficult.”

Keep your impending death in view

One of the items mentioned in the Bhagavad-gītā (13.9) for the development of knowledge is janma-mṛtyu-jarā-vyādhi-duḥkha-doṣānudarśanam—being always aware of the miseries of birth, death, old age, and disease. By the age of fifty the miseries of old age and disease will be close ahead if not already upon us, and those miseries will surely get worse, as our bodily machinery increasingly breaks down and fails. And death will soon be next.

Śrīla Prabhupāda cites a proverb to the effect that one who wants to enjoy sense gratification should think he’ll never die but one who wants to make spiritual progress should think he may die at any moment.⁶

As the biblical book of Ecclesiastes says, “Better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for that is the end of all men, and the living will take it to heart.”⁷ And again: “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning but the heart of fools in the house of mirth.”⁸ A commentator adds that even when the wise don’t physically enter a house of mourning, the house of mourning is always within them.⁹

Cultivate the mood of being satisfied with less, with whatever comes on its own

In describing austerities in the three modes of nature, for the mode of goodness the Bhagavad-gītā speaks of austerities of body, words, and mind.¹⁰ And the first item of mental austerity is to live with a satisfied mind.¹¹ The simple austerity of being satisfied with whatever gains may come on their own (yadṛcchā lābha santuṣṭaḥ) helps us become free from entanglement, whatever we may need to do.¹²

As Śrīla Prabhupāda comments, “Satisfaction of the mind can be obtained only by taking the mind away from thoughts of sense enjoyment.”¹³ So, positively speaking, we should occupy our minds with thoughts from the Vedic literature and always think of how to do good for others.

When we’re well engaged in the service of Kṛṣṇa, material things become less important. We may have them or not have them—it doesn’t matter. With this mood, it becomes easier to live with less—with what we need to live comfortably enough but not to extend things more.

We need enough to “keep body and soul together.”¹⁴ That’s not really very much.

Sharpen your focus on reviving your eternal identity as Kṛṣṇa’s eternal servant

Make this your real business in life. As Śrīla Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura sings:¹⁵

emana durlabha mānava-deho, pāiyā ki koro bhāva nā keho
ebe nā bhajile yaśodā-suta, carame poribe lāje

You have achieved the rare human body. Don’t you care for this gift? If you do not serve the darling of Yaśodā now, great sorrow awaits you at death.

udita tapana hoile asta, dina gelo boli’ hoibe byasta,
tabe keno ebe alasa hoy, nā bhaja hṛdoya-rāje

Each time the sun rises and sets, a day passes and is lost. Then why do you remain idle and not serve the Lord of the heart?

jīvana anitya jānaha sār, tāhe nānā-vidha vipada-bhār,
nāmāśraya kori’ jatane tumi, thākaha āpana kāje

Understand this essential fact: Life is temporary and full of all kinds of miseries. So take shelter of the holy name as your only business.

jīvera kalyāna-sādhana-kām, jagate āsi’ e madhura nām,
avidyā-timira-tapana-rūpe, hṛd-gagane birāje

Desiring to bless all souls, the sweet name of Kṛṣṇa has descended to the material world and now shines like the sun in the sky of the heart, destroying the darkness of ignorance.

kṛṣṇa-nāma-sudhā koriyā pān, jurāo bhakativinoda-prāṇ,
nāma binā kichu nāhiko āro, caudda-bhuvana-mājhe

Drink the pure nectar of the holy name of Kṛṣṇa and thus satisfy the soul of Bhaktivinoda. There is nothing but the holy name within all the fourteen worlds.

No sex

This is the headline item. In the vānaprastha āśrama there’s no sex, because sex is the anchor of material life. In the gṛhastha āśrama there’s scope for regulated sex life, but in the vānaprastha āśrama no sex. This is essential. There is no vānaprastha āśrama along with sex life.

At this age there should be no question of sex, even in married life. Sexual intercourse without the purpose of having children is illicit sex.¹⁶ So if one hasn’t already given this up, one must, if one is serious about spiritual life.¹⁷

Even if we don’t at once give up sex entirely, we must at least accept that we should—and start on the project of giving it up. Otherwise where is the question of spiritual progress?

Until we give up sex, our vānaprastha life has not yet begun. And we’re not even gṛhasthas. We’re gṛhamedhīs, chained by the shackles of sex.¹⁸

In this regard, Lord Ṛṣabhadeva gave his sons the following relevant instructions.¹⁹

yadā na paśyaty ayathā guṇehāṁ
svārthe pramattaḥ sahasā vipaścit
gata-smṛtir vindati tatra tāpān
āsādya maithunyam agāram ajñaḥ

“Even though one may be very learned and wise, he is mad if he does not understand that the endeavor for sense gratification is a useless waste of time. Being forgetful of his own interest, he tries to be happy in the material world, centering his interests around his home, which is based on sexual intercourse and which brings him all kinds of material miseries. In this way one is no better than a foolish animal.”

puṁsaḥ striyā mithunī-bhāvam etaṁ
tayor mitho hṛdaya-granthim āhuḥ
ato gṛha-kṣetra-sutāpta-vittair
janasya moho ’yam ahaṁ mameti

“The attraction between male and female is the basic principle of material existence. On the basis of this misconception, which ties together the hearts of the male and female, one becomes attracted to his body, home, property, children, relatives, and wealth. In this way one increases life’s illusions and thinks in terms of “I and mine.” “

yadā mano-hṛdaya-granthir asya
karmānubaddho dṛḍha āślatheta
tadā janaḥ samparivartate ’smād
muktaḥ paraṁ yāty atihāya hetum

“When the strong knot in the heart of a person implicated in material life due to the results of past action is slackened, one turns away from his attachment to home, wife, and children. In this way, one gives up the basic principle of illusion [I and mine] and becomes liberated. Thus one goes to the transcendental world.”

Be strict about association with women

A man who has decided to live as a vānaprastha should not only refrain from sex with his wife but also carefully avoid needless association with women other than his wife.

strīṇāṁ nirīkṣaṇa-sparśa-
saṁlāpa-kṣvelanādikam
prāṇino mithunī-bhūtān
agṛhastho ’gratas tyajet

“Those who are not married—sannyāsīs, vānaprasthas, and brahmacārīs—should never associate with women by glancing, touching, conversing, joking, or sporting. Neither should they ever associate with any living entity engaged in sexual activities.”²⁰

We should be careful about subtle sexual behavior as well. When we accept assistance from women, we may develop an emotional dependency on them, thinking we are “engaging them in service” but not realizing what is happening.²¹ Detachment from women—all women—and attachment to Kṛṣṇa is the theme of vānaprastha life. Attachment to Kṛṣṇa can more than fulfill all our emotional needs.

Our list of no-risk practical items will continue in the next installment.

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Notes:

1 One can read about the traditional rules for vānaprastha life in Bhāgavatam 7.12.17‒22 and 11.18.1‒12. Bhāgavatam 3.12.43 lists the four traditional divisions of vānaprasthas, and the word-by-word meanings tell what the members of each division do.

2 Bhāgavatam 3.24.42, purport.

3 Bhāgavatam 7.7.44‒45.

4 Thank you to Ghanshyam Patel of the UK for his slide presentation in which he makes this point.

5 Bhāgavatam 5.18.10.

6 Among other occasions, Śrīla Prabhupāda cites this proverb in a lecture in Montreal on June 20, 1968. He attributes the proverb to Cāṇakya, but I have not been able to verify the source.

7 Eccl. 7:2.

8 Eccl. 7:4.

9 Abraham ibn Ezra (1089‒1164).

10 Gītā 17.14‒17.

11 Gītā 17.16.

12 Gītā 4.22.

13 Gītā 17.16 purport.

14 Bhāgavatam 1.2.10.

15 Aruṇodaya-kīrtana 1 (Udilo Aruṇa), verses 4‒8. Text from Songs of the Vaiṣṇava Ācāryas.

16 “You have asked what is meant by illicit sex. . . Sex should be used only in marriage for begetting nice children to raise in Krsna Consciousness. Krsna says in the Bhagavad-gita that I am sex life performed according to religious principles. Sex life for any other purpose means illicit sex. The use of contraceptive method for sex enjoyment is very sinful. Restraint in the matter of these four sinful activities is achieved by tasting the superior mellows of Krsna Consciousness.” Letter to Mr. Suresh Candra, June 18, 1973.

17 My vānaprastha friend Murāri Gupta Dāsa has written me that from a practical viewpoint, also, if one has been serious about planning for vānaprastha life he should have given up sex no later than the age of thirty-five. Otherwise one is “gambling with his vānaprastha time.” It’s harder to become a vānaprastha in one’s fifties if one has a small child. (Personal communication, January 18, 2024.)

18 “Brahmacārī—no sex life. Vānaprastha—no sex life. Sannyāsī—no sex life. Only gṛhastha, under control. That is gṛhastha. Gṛhastha does not mean one who is doing everything whimsically on account of getting this concession. He’s not gṛhastha; he’s gṛhamedhī. Apaśyatām ātma-tattvaṁ gṛheṣu gṛha-medhinām.” Morning walk, May 3, 1976, Fiji.

19 Bhāgavatam 5.5.7‒9.

20 Bhāgavatam 11.17.33.

21 See Bhāgavatam 3.31.40.

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This is part of a draft

This is an excerpt from a new book I have in the works—The Vānaprastha Adventure, a guide to retirement in spiritual life. While I’m working on it, I’ll be posting my draft here, in installments. I invite your comments, questions, and suggestions.